It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.