T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.