Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I saw this ending much differently.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”