Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity