[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not