Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.