Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
What’s so funny?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
sistine chapel
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety