50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.