Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
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Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
me linking you to my twitter
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too