Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.


I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out


My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.


As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.


I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.


COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.


The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.


Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.


Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.