*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
🙀🙀🙀😹
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
beware of dog
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”