@AnkCoupleTO

Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

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@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@iGreenMonk

I hate Walmart.

The men’s bathroom doesn’t have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

@TheMichaelRock

My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.

@robdelaney

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

@blade_funner

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@OneFunnyMummy

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

@DaddyJew

Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.

@BoogTweets

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.