Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot