Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
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Hmm, not sure about this change
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
This is me 🤣🤣
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants