tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
You Might Also Like
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Alexa: *deep breath*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.