Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism