Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
You Might Also Like
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Simple
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf