Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.