if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
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‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back