Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

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[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.


[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.


I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.


[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.


[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it


“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”


Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: …
Me: …
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.


My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.


Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.


You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.