Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks