Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Bobby pin
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.