Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Saw your ex at the shops
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings