@NoogsCorner

Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.

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@shivillex

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

@TheIntComShow

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

@KeetPotato

one of my goals in life is to be on such bad terms with a person that i have to watch their funeral from a distance behind a tree

@UncleDuke1969

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

@iAmDelFreaky

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.

My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@NickBossRoss

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.