What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.