Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
That’s enough internet for the day
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Banana is the quietest snack
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?