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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere


How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?


I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.


Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]


Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.


[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy


Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked


Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.