@NoChillPosts

TAKE IT EASY OUT THERE FELLAS

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@JustCallMeC_

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

@JasonLastname

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

@hellolanemoore

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

@Mom_Overboard

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

@Michael1979

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

@Gooooats

If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.

@MNateShyamalan

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.