911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The French word for sex is croissant.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful