“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.