Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
can’t talk my ride’s here
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.