Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.