Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Never be a pizza!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.