Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*


Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?


My candy bar fell off by itself from my table and now I’m watching youtube tutorials how to fight against evil spirits.


Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too


A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.


Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.


ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man


Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier