@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

You Might Also Like

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@ellorysmith

when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.

@TheAlexNevil

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

@elunatyk

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

@badbanana

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

@GensPlace

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

@Woody_B_

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

@DavidAdt1

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

@HiddenPinky

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”