Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus