Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
True
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.