Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?