Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*seductively corrects your posture*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you