Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself