Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.


why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split


Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.


If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix


My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.


* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole


My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.