Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.