I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split
me: what if music w
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.