@LizHackett

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

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@CharmandBrains

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

@RedRegenerated

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@gabemakesmusic

I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”

@gruffybeard

Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.

She was not happy.

@junejuly12

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.