“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason