I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
“Oh god wait.”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
I was kicked out of karate class today for describing everything the instructor did as “senseitational”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.
She was not happy.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.