take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
The first matador
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?