Cats are just dogs who’ve been to drama school.
‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’
~ pharmaceutical ads
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.
You ever had a pen that wrote so smooth you be hype about taking notes