@better_off_dad2

‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’

~ pharmaceutical ads

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@secondofhername

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

@Mom_Overboard

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

@mattgallo123

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

@gojarbe

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

@LizHackett

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

@sixthformpoet

If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.

@breatheandlove

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’