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the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
the clam before the storm
Grandmother clock.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My brain is a bad influence on me
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
are they though??
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.