Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’
~ pharmaceutical ads
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.
Fear is temporary, laundry is forever
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’