@better_off_dad2

‘Take this and your life will suck differently.’

~ pharmaceutical ads

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@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

@HellisWorthit

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

@SJSchauer

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@gosailthesea

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

@mrjohndarby

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

@TheNYAMProject

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

@HeyZeus666

Freudian Slip.

What Freud wore under his skirt when he cross dressed on weekends.

@kiiingsleyy

You ever had a pen that wrote so smooth you be hype about taking notes