Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
new year update: losing everything but weight
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office