Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Godspeed, John Glenn
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
New tinder profile pic
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity