Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.


Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.


There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.


If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”


I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.


I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos


Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law


skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up