@AnniemuMary

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

You Might Also Like

@PearlsFromMyrna

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@rgay

There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.

@MikeDrucker

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

@brownbear952

I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

@inmyimage007

I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos

@FredTaming

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@Beatonm5

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up