Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *