[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Meanwhile in Canada…
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
when dads have a rap battle
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
rapatouille
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.