@MizzSlaughter

Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.

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@thepunningman

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

@bridger_w

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

@Ideal_Victoria

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

@MattMcElaney

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

@ImmorallyFixate

Hand me the Phillips screwdriver, babe. No, the Phillips. NO. Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year’s. Thanks pumpkin!

@Breadery

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

@twowitwowoo

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk