Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.
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Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.