I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*