Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.

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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..


Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?


The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.


Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.


If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.


Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.


[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?


Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.


This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.