Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@MartaEffing

Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?

@Daveastated

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

@JoParkerBear

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

@AnniemuMary

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

@PearlsFromMyrna

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

@squirrel74wkgn

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

@MakesYouGiggle

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@bobbiejo448

This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.