[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.