@BillMc7

Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…

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@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

@C00LpenNAME

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

@skittle624

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@ItsAndyRyan

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

@mommajessiec

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

@Douchekevin

She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips.

I asked what kind of pizza it was.

I woke up outside with a concussion

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

@iinkedZombie

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

@CroweJam

The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.