Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…
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[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips.
I asked what kind of pizza it was.
I woke up outside with a concussion
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.