Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex