Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
You Might Also Like
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.