Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.