*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”