*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
🤣😂
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.