The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.