@ThaJawn

*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales

Ahhhhhh

This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it

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@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

@Cheeseboy22

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@SoVeryBritish

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@jjhartinger

In 20 years, I bet there’s going to be a college course called eye contact.

@Thedudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.