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@Poutymcgee: *takes a long drag from a cigarette
*points at your baby
What's wrong with your dog?
@DirtMcTurd: *Pulls up to drive-thru window*
"Extra toilet paper please"
Do you mean napkins?
@Vice_Queen: Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
@PyrBliss: If you've ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven't seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom]
Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
@OVLH: I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.