*takes a long drag from a cigarette

*points at your baby

What’s wrong with your dog?

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Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.


when i was a little girl, grocery carts were free range; you’d see them all over town, in ditches, ponds; free.

now, they’re locked in chain gangs, selling themselves for quarters. sad.


Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras


“Feel the burn” yells my fitness instructor as I think that’s probably how Satan greets people in Hell.


[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?


“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”


They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.


This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.


You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.


I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…